Sudden Realization: The Woman Who Lived

I am well aware that this may come off as a random (hopefully not morbid) post. But, bear with me, as I've come to a realization.

I had gotten off work early today, and had to stay in town for a few hours for school, so I decided to go for a drive. And as I did, I came across a cemetery. It kind of drew me in, which is really strange, considering I've always been the type to be "freaked out" by cemeteries. Anyways, I ended up driving around for a while. Just looking up and down the many rows if headstones that were there, noticing some from as far back as the early 1800's. These stones were covered in dirt, turning green from moss, some even slowly beginning to crumble away around their edges, and they were all absolutely beautiful. I don't know why I was so surprised to find that I felt peace when I got out and walked around. There were plots for the elderly, passing away at advanced ages, some holding the remains of young men and women around my age, and the most heartbreaking stones (to me) standing in place of young children, some passing away after only a few days on this earth.

Bayview Cemetery
Bellingham, Washington

I've always loved history, and learning about the past, but I never thought I'd be the kind to go to a cemetery to find what my true  fear was. I've never been scared of dying. That's just a part of this life. It happens, sometimes far sooner than anyone could imagine. Very heartbreaking, yes. Is it a scary thought? Of course. But my fear? My fear is being forgotten after I'm gone. How am I going to be remembered? Am I simply going to be a soul that moves on from this earth, with only a stone in my place? 

No. Quite frankly, I refuse. I don't want to be the type of person who goes about this life without leaving some sort of impression. Will I change the lives of people all over the world? Highly doubtful. Will I win many awards and go down in Hollywood history? Who am I trying to kid. Will I leave my family and friends with more than just a stone? Absolutely. I may not be able to leave them millions of dollars, or mansions on the beach. But I can leave them with stories. I can leave my thoughts. I can leave my passions. I can leave them with smiles and laughter.

"There's no point in consistently worrying about everything. What will happen will happen regardless. So breathe, look on the bright side, have some laughs, fall in love, accept what you can't change, and carry on. To actually live is courageous. 

Most people only exist, that is all."

I know one day, I'll be lucky enough to marry and be sealed to this man of mine in the temple, and that we will have children. And I know that when we are sealed as a family, that means we are sealed for eternity. I want them to know that when I pass, I was just going home. I was going home to meet my Savior. I was going to feel the warm embrace of my Heavenly Father. I was going away from this earth, but only to help prepare our forever home.

I want to leave them with knowledge of the history of my life, and not just worldly knowledge. Is math or science important? To a degree, yes. Is it going to lead them to a career? Quite possibly. But I have found that history has been my greatest learning portal. And not just from a history book. I'm talking family history, genealogy; I'm talking pictures, and handwritten journals; stories to tell of my silly moments, and moments when I felt like I couldn't go any further. I would want my family to know of my beliefs. I want my life to be meaningful. I want my life to leave some sort of motivation, some sort of hope and excitement. Some sort of life lesson. I want them to know that I waited for my husband, and felt so much struggle for two years while he served a mission. I want them to know that I went to school, and I worked my butt off to do so. I want them to know that they will struggle, and they will fall, and that's okay! It's okay to stumble. It's okay to mourn. It's okay to fall, as long as you don't stay there. 

"We don't own our family history. We simply preserve it for the next generation."

I want to be remembered as a happy woman who found love and joy in every day that she lived, even if sometimes it was a struggle to find something to smile about. I want to be the woman who smiled in the moments of heartache, focusing on the beauty of life, not the downfalls and hardships. I want to be able to take a step back and smile at the life I lived. I want to make my Father in Heaven proud. I want to make my parents on this earth proud. I want to make my husband and children proud. I want my family, generations from now, to be fascinated by the history I've left behind.

I want to go down in history as the woman who not only existed, but lived.

So, again. I apologize if this may sound depressing or is something that most don't like to talk about. But I just want you to understand, I'm just beginning to write my history.

And I am still learning about my family's past! And it's so intriguing. I know, for a fact, that I will teach my children of the importance of family history. I haven't always done my best at learning more, but I get into it every now and then with my mom, and learning about little things that my family members have accomplished, or trials that they have gone through has proven that it is so possible to overcome an unbelievable amount of struggle.

Keep calm and live on ladies and gents. 

Eternally yours,

{|K|}

"She was the light of our home."
Bayview Cemetery
Bellingham, Washington
*This was one of my favorite headstones. You could tell that Felix loved his wife.
That quote at the bottom says it all.*

"If we know where we came from, we may better know where to go.
If we know who we came from, we may better understand who we are."
Bayview Cemetery
Bellingham, Washington

"Yet, am I not for pity-- tremling have I come face to face with God."
--Ella Higginson, Poet Writer
Bayview Cemetery
Bellingham, Washington